We had planned on going to church this morning but after staying up late last night (it's beginning to be a common occurrence), it wasn't going to happen. And after waking up this morning I knew it wouldn't have been a good day anyway. While we were getting breakfast together, I found the inchbug labels I had bought for Ryan this summer. Natalie has some too. They are rubber labels personalized with her name to put around bottles, cups, etc. They remind me of the rubber bracelets you can get for breast cancer awareness, live strong, etc. That made me cry. I put one of them on as a bracelet. Rob tried but they are too tight. We're going to find a good place for him to put it. One will be Natalie's and we put the other one in Ryan's memory box.
I went into the bathroom to get somewhat ready at some point this morning and just began to lose it. I didn't know what else to do, I fell to my knees in front of the tub and just began crying and praying for his strength and guidance, asking him to hug my baby girl for me.
We had three friends come over today (and one brought her teenage daughter) to clean the house some and help get it ready for my parents' arrival tomorrow. Those ladies
We have a dress for Ryan to wear for a few things coming up but wanted to keep it and have it framed (like a dress my mom had framed for me when Natalie was born) so we needed another outfit for her to actually be cremated/buried in. Nothing we had seemed right so we went to the PX this afternoon to pick out an outfit for her to be buried in. That was emotional but we held it together. They didn't have much of a selection (which we expected) but the outfit we got had a onesie with it that says "love you" across the chest. Natalie wanted to get everything in the baby section for Baby Kyan - that was kind of hard but also made me smile - she loves her sister.
We also went to the bookstore (which has a very limited selection). I was hoping they might have a book to help me through this. I've picked out several on Amazon. They had one book I've heard is good but I don't feel like it relates to my situation as much as some of the others. I may read it eventually but wanted to start with something else so didn't get it. We did get Natalie a Christmas book and a bedtime stories for angels book so we can read to Ryan at night; I don't think the stories are anything special, just something we saw and wanted to share with her. We'll see what they're like.
Came home and got the outfits together for Ryan, then a lady from MOPS brought us dinner. It was nice to not have to worry about what we were going to eat or cooking. We haven't really done much since then. Actually I got on facebook, I'm always checking for messages. A friend from college (not close) was expecting her first child, a little girl, a few days after Ryan was due. Saw her status & profile picture - her precious daughter was born in the early morning hours 20 November. Praise the Lord she was healthy and alive! (No one should have to experience the pain we are.) It was difficult to look at the picture of her newborn little girl though. I cried my eyes out for a few minutes. I am truly happy for her.
I also took some time while on FB to look for pictures of me while I was pregnant with Ryan. I realized I didn't purposely take any pictures of my pregnant self during the pregnancy. I have a few pictures we took at different places but none deliberately taken of me being pregnant. Thankfully some other people have some pictures of me pregnant that show my belly pretty well. But I have no actual belly shots, like I did with Natalie throughout my pregnancy, at all. That will be so different if I'm blessed with another child. We'll take so many throughout the pregnancy and get professional shots done too!
I got a sweet email from one of my brother's good friends (that I've never actually met) today. That was great, I really appreciated it and want to respond when I have time. I also got several sweet phone calls today. We have so many people wanting to help and be there for us right now - it is truly amazing. One friend offered to just pray with me anytime I felt like I needed it - I know I'll be taking her up on that offer.
I know this is going to be an emotional week. My mom & dad are on their way (at the airport at least) as I write this. We have a few things to do either before or after we pick them up. We may visit with some dear, dear friends after we pick them up if things work out that way - they are trying to catch a flight back to the states so probably better for them if they can just get on the flight. (And not sure how my parents will be feeling from the flight.) We need to find/pick out clothes for Tuesday, especially me since I'm in that awkward post pregnancy stage.
Tuesday I want to make it to PWOC for the first part. I need to be in that environment, surrounded by those ladies, and just worship. I'm hoping my mom will come with me and see just how amazing everyone is. The big part of our day Tuesday will be going to Landstuhl to see Ryan one last time. My parents are going with us and we're taking Natalie. The chaplain is also going with us so we can do a blessing/prayers. I have been so blessed to have the one photographer associated with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS) in Germany so graciously agree to drive 3 hours one way to come take pictures for us. I cannot even begin to tell you all how much this means to me! I will do a separate post later on NILMDTS.
The rest of the week will be spent spending time with my parents, getting back into things, maybe trying to go to the MOPS meeting (at least for a little while) on Wednesday, FRG meeting and some holiday activities. We're hoping to go cut our Christmas tree with my parents this week, get it up and decorate it. There's also a holiday event Friday evening on post so hoping to make it to that. We need to start checking out the Christmas Markets too! I'm also hoping to start getting some pictures up on the blog this week.
There's so much more I wanted to say but I've been up too long just writing this. Many more posts to come. BTW - I'm realizing my brain is so scattered because my spelling is going down the drain! I'm typing the wrong words and spelling things wrong constantly.
We love you Ryan Elizabeth!