First, let me say...I know I haven't kept up with this 30 days of thankfulness thing, but I have kept up better than it seems. I've written some, but just haven't finished and posted them. I AM going to come back to them and get them all posted. (I don't think there are many readers out there anyway, so....)
But today, right now I'm going to write about today. And today (even through the tears) I am so forever grateful for the blessing of our second child, our second daughter - Ryan Elizabeth. Oh how I wish our birthday girl was here with us today to celebrate, but I'm sure her celebration is far better than we can imagine.
It seems unreal that she would be two years old today...TWO whole years we have survived here without her. Two whole years we have missed her and loved her every single moment.
Yesterday, on Thanksgiving Day, I kept thinking about how two years ago on Thanksgiving we left the hospital without her, the first snow of the season falling around us...it would have been her first snow. The "would have been firsts" just kept coming after that. Somehow, less than 48 hours after the c-section, we left the hospital in Schwetzingen and went to a friend's for Thanksgiving. I don't really remember now if we went home first...I think we did though. I carried on conversations (but barely), avoided the other baby (or was it babies? I don't know.) who were there. It was not at all what we had imagined for Thanksgiving that year. Our hearts were so broken.
Today is Ryan's second birthday. (It would have actually been on Thanksgiving if this had not been a leap year.) And today our hearts are still missing a piece, but they have also been mended quite a bit in two years, especially in the last seven and a half weeks since Ryan's baby brother entered our world screaming.
I am thankful for so much because of Ryan. I know I can't list it all, but I'm gonna list some.
The most obvious is Ryan, I am thankful for her short life in a way most people cannot image. I am thankful for all the people who were there for us after Ryan died, who held us up - especially ladies from PWOC, but also Rob's unit and MOPS, for the chapel staff in Germany (the ones who actually did something), for the people stateside who held a service for her, and those who attended that service. I am thankful for the hope moms I have met and especially those who got me through those first few months, for the retreat where I got to meet those women face to face for the first time. I am thankful for everyone who has supported us through Running with Ryan, for the pictures and memories of groups in their Running with Ryan shirts (it just brings a smile to my face to see those). I am ever grateful for people who say her name, for those who remember her on the special days but also on regular ol' days. I am thankful for the pictures we have of Ryan, both that we took and from NILMDTS. I am thankful for NILMDTS and our NILMDTS photographer. I am thankful for Ryan's well and the generous donation from people I don't even know and the Holden Uganda Foundation that made it possible. I am thankful for our Ryan bear from Molly Bears. I am thankful for the friends I have made because of Ryan and through these organizations.
I am thankful for the person I am because of Ryan - the way it has changed my relationships with my other children, my husband, my Savior, and others, for the compassion I have for others facing challenges of all kinds, but especially loss or anything related to children. I am thankful that our oldest knows, remembers, and more than anything LOVES and longs for her baby sister.
Like I said there is so much to be thankful for when it comes to Ryan Elizabeth, but because this day has worn me out (more about that later...maybe), and I want to actually post this on her birthday (hey, its 11:23 right now), I'm going to stop right there and maybe add some more to it tomorrow or just write another post.
Happy 2nd Birthday, precious girl.
We love you, Ryan Elizabeth
24 November 2012
13 November 2012
Day One - A month of Thanksgiving
Going back to November 1 (just pretend with me, okay?). We are now in the month of Ryan Elizabeth's 2nd (yes, SECOND) birthday - that just seems unreal to me. Especially when I stop and think about what 2 year old little girls are like, or see girls who are close to her age, or think back to Natalie's second birthday. We continue (not surprisingly) to miss our precious girl every.single.day. I still thank God for the blessing of Ryan Elizabeth. This year, as we prepare to celebrate her second birthday, I want to reflect on our many blessings. I'll share my 30 Days of Thankfulness here and try to update you all in the process. (Sorry that part is long overdue.)
Over the last month, I've thought a lot about all we missed out on with Ryan over the first month. The reason for that is our blessing I want to share today...and this is probably our biggest update for you all. (If anyone is out there still...)
Today I am beyond grateful for Ryan's (& Natalie's) baby brother, our healthy one-month old baby boy! Dylan entered our lives alive and screaming on October 1st.
How did that happen? How is our precious son already a whole MONTH old? It seems we waited so long for him. In many ways, we did. I've told our story before so I won't go into all the details, but we first expected to bring a second child home in March 2010. After miscarriages in September and January, in June 2010 we found out Ryan was a girl and would be Ryan Elizabeth and expected to bring her home (in Germany) in November. You all know her story. And in June 2011 Rob deployed for a year, and Natalie & I moved back to the states. And now it seems so natural for Dylan to be a part of lives, like he's been here much longer than a month.
Rob was home for R&R from Afghanistan in January. Soon after he returned to Afghanistan, we found out we were once again expecting. You can imagine our cautious optimism. We didn't share our news for a while, and even then we only shared with some of our close family and friends. We asked them not to share our news, especially on Facebook, etc. And they took us seriously - I expected it to pop up on facebook at some point, but it never really did.
So now here we are...with a one month old. And a boy...still adjusting to that. We had to stock up on clothes and try to separate all the pink from the gender neutral clothes, toys, etc. Let's just say, after expecting two (girly) girls, the first pile was much bigger.
Dylan Edward Watts, Thank God you are here! (The entire congregation in our church back in Durham, NC always welcomed new members and babies with that phrase...it's a special memory to us, and we've said it over and over to Dylan.)
We love you, Dylan Edward.
We love you, Ryan Elizabeth.
Over the last month, I've thought a lot about all we missed out on with Ryan over the first month. The reason for that is our blessing I want to share today...and this is probably our biggest update for you all. (If anyone is out there still...)
Today I am beyond grateful for Ryan's (& Natalie's) baby brother, our healthy one-month old baby boy! Dylan entered our lives alive and screaming on October 1st.
 |
| Newborn in the hospital |
Dylan Edward Watts
October 1, 2012, 14:52
8 pounds, 12 ounces
21 inches
 | ||
| About 3.5 weeks - thank heaven for this little BOY |
 |
| November 1 - 1 month old TODAY! (I have better pictures on my real camera...) |
Rob was home for R&R from Afghanistan in January. Soon after he returned to Afghanistan, we found out we were once again expecting. You can imagine our cautious optimism. We didn't share our news for a while, and even then we only shared with some of our close family and friends. We asked them not to share our news, especially on Facebook, etc. And they took us seriously - I expected it to pop up on facebook at some point, but it never really did.
So now here we are...with a one month old. And a boy...still adjusting to that. We had to stock up on clothes and try to separate all the pink from the gender neutral clothes, toys, etc. Let's just say, after expecting two (girly) girls, the first pile was much bigger.
Dylan Edward Watts, Thank God you are here! (The entire congregation in our church back in Durham, NC always welcomed new members and babies with that phrase...it's a special memory to us, and we've said it over and over to Dylan.)
 |
| Announcement we sent to close family & friends in the spring. Seeing it again just makes me smile. A dear friend made this for us, and it was exactly what I wanted! |
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart
Jeremiah 1:5 NIV
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalm 139:13-14 NIV
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
James 1:17 NIV
Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Psalm 127:3 NLT
I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.
1 Samuel 1:27 NIV
We love you, Dylan Edward.
We love you, Ryan Elizabeth.
08 November 2012
Old Friends
Today I am thankful for old friends. You know the ones you haven't talked to in a really long time, but when you do chat you can pick up where you left off, like it was just yesterday.
Yesterday I was able to catch up with one of my most favorite people. We've been friends for over 10 years. It's amazing to me that we are the friends we are. We met while traveling the country teaching cheerleading camps in the summer. We worked together for three weeks (I think), before our assignments put us on different teams. During those three weeks we were actually near her family so I was blessed with the opportunity to get to know them as well (including her then boyfriend, now husband). They are all some of the most wonderful people I know, I just love them all! And after just those three weeks, now more than 10 years later she is still one of my best and closet friends even though we rarely see each other and often play phone tag forever before we finally get to chat. I was in her wedding and just over a year later, she was in mine. I think I've seen her twice since then, the last time being about 3.5 years ago. (Wow it's been a long time, I should try to find a way to fix that;-) But she (and her entire family) is still so dear to me. A friend that I am forever grateful to have.
And this morning I got to talk to another good friend of mine, a former coworker who became a close friend as we went through our first pregnancies together. After Ryan died, she would call me on her way to work in the morning (with the time difference it was afternoon, and usually nap time for Natalie, for me in Germany) to check on me and just keep in touch. She listened, she cared, and she wasn't afraid to say Ryan's name. We've had a little bit of a rough go at it since then...just because life happens. I was actually really excited about spending more time with her when Natalie and I got back to the states last year since she was only about 30 minutes away. But I think in the almost year we were there, I only saw her once. Our girls are great friends and love hanging out. They both still talk about each other and remember their times together. I can't speak for her, but I know personally, I let my grief get in the way. She was pregnant with her second when we got back to the states and due right around Ryan's birthday. It was much harder for me than I thought it would be. It was a struggle. I had no hard feelings towards her. I was happy for her. Just between everything we had going on with Natalie (school gymnastics, dance, church, etc.) and myself dealing with grief, Rob's deployment, traveling, etc. I didn't have the extra energy to make a special effort to hang out with them. I also knew they had more of a routine now, and lots of friends through work and her daughter's activities. I wish I had done more. I know I missed out on some great memories. But I'm thankful that we are still friends. I'm glad that we can still catch up and hopefully see them when we are back in North Carolina (whenever that may be).
I've been in touch with another friend of mine from childhood lately. We grew up together, but were closest during our time in youth group at church. We did summer mission trips together, and really everything else that the youth group did. We were both youth group junkies, I guess;-) We had a fairly small youth group during that time (compared to the years before I was in youth group), but a strong leader (who had experienced the death of his two girls, one stillborn and one as a young child). We were a close group. She also sent me messages after Ryan died and reached out to me. She told me stories about how it had affected her. She had recently had her second, a little girl, a few weeks before Ryan. I recently contacted her about something and we've spent some time chatting and emailing since then. The two of us who grew up in a small town in NC are actually both in Texas now. Although they are a few hours from us (could be worse in TX), but I do think we'll find some time to meet up and I'm looking forward to it.
So today I'm thankful for old friends. There are many more, but these are just the three recently that I've been in touch with and count in my blessings.
Yesterday I was able to catch up with one of my most favorite people. We've been friends for over 10 years. It's amazing to me that we are the friends we are. We met while traveling the country teaching cheerleading camps in the summer. We worked together for three weeks (I think), before our assignments put us on different teams. During those three weeks we were actually near her family so I was blessed with the opportunity to get to know them as well (including her then boyfriend, now husband). They are all some of the most wonderful people I know, I just love them all! And after just those three weeks, now more than 10 years later she is still one of my best and closet friends even though we rarely see each other and often play phone tag forever before we finally get to chat. I was in her wedding and just over a year later, she was in mine. I think I've seen her twice since then, the last time being about 3.5 years ago. (Wow it's been a long time, I should try to find a way to fix that;-) But she (and her entire family) is still so dear to me. A friend that I am forever grateful to have.
And this morning I got to talk to another good friend of mine, a former coworker who became a close friend as we went through our first pregnancies together. After Ryan died, she would call me on her way to work in the morning (with the time difference it was afternoon, and usually nap time for Natalie, for me in Germany) to check on me and just keep in touch. She listened, she cared, and she wasn't afraid to say Ryan's name. We've had a little bit of a rough go at it since then...just because life happens. I was actually really excited about spending more time with her when Natalie and I got back to the states last year since she was only about 30 minutes away. But I think in the almost year we were there, I only saw her once. Our girls are great friends and love hanging out. They both still talk about each other and remember their times together. I can't speak for her, but I know personally, I let my grief get in the way. She was pregnant with her second when we got back to the states and due right around Ryan's birthday. It was much harder for me than I thought it would be. It was a struggle. I had no hard feelings towards her. I was happy for her. Just between everything we had going on with Natalie (school gymnastics, dance, church, etc.) and myself dealing with grief, Rob's deployment, traveling, etc. I didn't have the extra energy to make a special effort to hang out with them. I also knew they had more of a routine now, and lots of friends through work and her daughter's activities. I wish I had done more. I know I missed out on some great memories. But I'm thankful that we are still friends. I'm glad that we can still catch up and hopefully see them when we are back in North Carolina (whenever that may be).
I've been in touch with another friend of mine from childhood lately. We grew up together, but were closest during our time in youth group at church. We did summer mission trips together, and really everything else that the youth group did. We were both youth group junkies, I guess;-) We had a fairly small youth group during that time (compared to the years before I was in youth group), but a strong leader (who had experienced the death of his two girls, one stillborn and one as a young child). We were a close group. She also sent me messages after Ryan died and reached out to me. She told me stories about how it had affected her. She had recently had her second, a little girl, a few weeks before Ryan. I recently contacted her about something and we've spent some time chatting and emailing since then. The two of us who grew up in a small town in NC are actually both in Texas now. Although they are a few hours from us (could be worse in TX), but I do think we'll find some time to meet up and I'm looking forward to it.
So today I'm thankful for old friends. There are many more, but these are just the three recently that I've been in touch with and count in my blessings.
A friend loves at all times.
Proverbs 17:17
I always thank my God for you and for the gracious gifts He has given you.
1 Corinthians 1:4 NLT
We have shared together the blessings of God.
Philippians 1:7 NLT
We love you, Ryan Elizabeth.
07 November 2012
Thankful for Forgiveness
I planned on starting out November by trying to get back to sharing here. I wanted to share what's been going on in our lives over the last year and share my 30 days of thankfulness. After all, November is Ryan's month and what better time to reflect on all of our blessings and share that with all of you. Did November sneak up on any of you the way it did on me?;-) And somehow we are already a week into the month, and it is now the seventh day of November...how did that happen? It's never too late to count your blessings so I'm going to start today - on the 7th of November. I'm going to try to catch up on the first six days that I've missed over the next week. I'm also going to use these posts to update you on pieces of our lives...so hang in there, it'll come in pieces and maybe not in a logical or chronological order.
Seven - Today I am thankful for forgiveness. In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter asked “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?" And Jesus replies, “No, not seven times, but seventy times seven!" And we know that does not mean on the 491st time they are out of luck.We are to always forgive.
I'm thankful for the unconditional forgiveness I receive from the Lord - all I have to do is ask. I'm thankful that although I am far from perfect, all my sin is forgiven because Christ died on the cross for me. And because I'm forgiven, there's a promise of eternity. Eternity where I will be with my daughter again.
But I'm also thankful for friends and family that believe in forgiving "seventy times seven," and have forgiven me over the years. This morning I'm reflecting on forgiveness - giving and receiving.
Are you holding onto anything? Have you asked for forgiveness today? Do you need to offer forgiveness to others today? It's not always easy.
Seven - Today I am thankful for forgiveness. In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter asked “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?" And Jesus replies, “No, not seven times, but seventy times seven!" And we know that does not mean on the 491st time they are out of luck.We are to always forgive.
I'm thankful for the unconditional forgiveness I receive from the Lord - all I have to do is ask. I'm thankful that although I am far from perfect, all my sin is forgiven because Christ died on the cross for me. And because I'm forgiven, there's a promise of eternity. Eternity where I will be with my daughter again.
But I'm also thankful for friends and family that believe in forgiving "seventy times seven," and have forgiven me over the years. This morning I'm reflecting on forgiveness - giving and receiving.
Are you holding onto anything? Have you asked for forgiveness today? Do you need to offer forgiveness to others today? It's not always easy.
Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.”
Luke 17:4 NLT
This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.
Matthew 26:28 NIV
But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you.
Psalm 130:4 NIV
Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.
Psalm 32:1 NIV
It was also written that this message would be proclaimed in the authority of his name to all the nations, beginning in Jerusalem: 'There is forgiveness of sins for all who repent.'
Luke 24:47 NLT
Be Blessed today...you are forgiven if you just ask.
We love you, Ryan Elizabeth.
11 July 2012
Miracle-Sized Prayers
I know it's been a while...okay, a really long time since I've written posted anything. I have actually started several blog posts but just never get the chance to finish them. This one is different...I must finish this one. (And maybe with that, can get back to some random updates - I know a few of you, and probably only a few, have said you check for updates...only to find nothingness.)
This is different because it is important and urgent. I have a prayer request that I need to share with all of you. Last summer, less than 2 months into Rob's 12 month deployment, I got a call from his oldest sister, L. (I don't differentiate between his sisters, they are all three his sisters but just to help clarify for those who know the family...one of his half-sisters.) She told me their sister, J (the other half-sister) had just been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. She is only a few years older than Rob. She has a daughter. You can imagine we were all shocked. I have prayed for J since that day.
I, of course, told Rob about J. We both knew pretty quickly that his 15 days of R&R would include a trip to WV/OH to visit his sisters. So when Rob came home in January for R&R (wow...I never even posted about that! Let me just say it was some of the most amazing time we've had together, and it was much needed!), we left a couple of days later to drive from NC to WV. We spent a few days with J & L and their families. We got to meet J's (now) fiance. We really enjoyed spending that time with them. Leaving from our hotel one night to go to L's house for pizza and to just hang out with everyone, Natalie wanted L's daughter to ride us. She was the only person riding with J so I told Rob I wanted to ride with J so she wasn't by herself. And I just wanted to spend some more time with her. It wasn't a long ride, but I was so thankful for that time with her, to be able to just talk with her. We don't get much time with his sisters so the whole trip was so good to spend that time with them.
Since last summer, it seems all the updates we get about J aren't good. Some haven't been so bad, but they haven't been good either. Without all the details of the last year, J's been in A LOT of pain, she's had chemo and surgery, the cancer has spread, she's traveled to Houston for treatment, but nothing has seemed to be an answer to all our prayers.
As I said before, I've prayed for J since day 1. After reading Chelsea's post about miracle-sized prayers a few months ago, I knew I had to pray those same type of miracle-sized prayers for mySIL sister. And I have. Now I am asking that all of you do the same. I rarely get on facebook these days and when I do it is often for a specific purpose. I happened to get on last night to check on something and one of the top status updates that I saw when I logged on was from J. I was hoping for some good news as I read it. Instead, this is what I read, "Just to let people know my cancer has moved to my brain now. My outlook isn't very good." My heart sank. Rob & I were getting ready for bed - he was brushing his teeth. I wasn't even sure how to tell him. From the beginning he had feared it spreading to her brain, especially once it began spreading. Since I didn't have the words, I just showed him the status update. I could see it in his eyes. It brings tears to my eyes just remembering the look on his face last night.
This is all we know at this point. We haven't heard from anyone. So, please pray some MIRACLE-SIZED prayers for J and pray for the rest of the family, especially her daughter. Pray for us, also. (I'll really try to write more about this later...an update on what we've been up to.) We've got some decisions to make and logistics to figure out, and there are several complicating factors for us to deal with and consider in this process. But mostly...please pray for Rob's sister - to quote from Chelsea, "miracle-sized crazy big prayers. Because that's how big God is and that's how much glory He can show through" all of this.
We love you, J. We are praying miracle-sized prayers for you!
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.
-Ephesians 3:20 NLT
God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
Glory to God in the church!
Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus!
Glory down all the generations!
Glory through all millennia! Oh, yes!
-Ephesians 3:20-21 The Message (emphasis added)
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,
-Ephesians 3:20 NLT
(And yes, I needed to see it in all three versions today.)
We love you, Ryan Elizabeth.
This is different because it is important and urgent. I have a prayer request that I need to share with all of you. Last summer, less than 2 months into Rob's 12 month deployment, I got a call from his oldest sister, L. (I don't differentiate between his sisters, they are all three his sisters but just to help clarify for those who know the family...one of his half-sisters.) She told me their sister, J (the other half-sister) had just been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. She is only a few years older than Rob. She has a daughter. You can imagine we were all shocked. I have prayed for J since that day.
I, of course, told Rob about J. We both knew pretty quickly that his 15 days of R&R would include a trip to WV/OH to visit his sisters. So when Rob came home in January for R&R (wow...I never even posted about that! Let me just say it was some of the most amazing time we've had together, and it was much needed!), we left a couple of days later to drive from NC to WV. We spent a few days with J & L and their families. We got to meet J's (now) fiance. We really enjoyed spending that time with them. Leaving from our hotel one night to go to L's house for pizza and to just hang out with everyone, Natalie wanted L's daughter to ride us. She was the only person riding with J so I told Rob I wanted to ride with J so she wasn't by herself. And I just wanted to spend some more time with her. It wasn't a long ride, but I was so thankful for that time with her, to be able to just talk with her. We don't get much time with his sisters so the whole trip was so good to spend that time with them.
Since last summer, it seems all the updates we get about J aren't good. Some haven't been so bad, but they haven't been good either. Without all the details of the last year, J's been in A LOT of pain, she's had chemo and surgery, the cancer has spread, she's traveled to Houston for treatment, but nothing has seemed to be an answer to all our prayers.
As I said before, I've prayed for J since day 1. After reading Chelsea's post about miracle-sized prayers a few months ago, I knew I had to pray those same type of miracle-sized prayers for my
This is all we know at this point. We haven't heard from anyone. So, please pray some MIRACLE-SIZED prayers for J and pray for the rest of the family, especially her daughter. Pray for us, also. (I'll really try to write more about this later...an update on what we've been up to.) We've got some decisions to make and logistics to figure out, and there are several complicating factors for us to deal with and consider in this process. But mostly...please pray for Rob's sister - to quote from Chelsea, "miracle-sized crazy big prayers. Because that's how big God is and that's how much glory He can show through" all of this.
We love you, J. We are praying miracle-sized prayers for you!
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.
-Ephesians 3:20 NLT
God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
Glory to God in the church!
Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus!
Glory down all the generations!
Glory through all millennia! Oh, yes!
-Ephesians 3:20-21 The Message (emphasis added)
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,
-Ephesians 3:20 NLT
(And yes, I needed to see it in all three versions today.)
We love you, Ryan Elizabeth.
01 January 2012
A Christmas Thank You
Yes, I know this is a random post. I can't seem to find time to write like I want.
(Spoiler alert: If you're on the list to get one of these, sorry for taking away the surprise.) I wanted to get Natalie some Christmas thank you notes to send out to everyone who sent her gifts - you know the fill in the blank kind. Not that she could completely fill them out, but now that's she's starting to write letters I thought it'd be neat to have her help some. I couldn't find any I liked that weren't really expensive so I ended up going with photo cards instead. Besides I have amazing pictures taken by the awesome Jennie Sue I had to share:) We'll add some hand-written notes to go with them and hopefully get them out before next Christmas. (I'm really bad at getting out gifts, thank you notes, etc. on time...still have Christmas gifts waiting to be mailed, and I've had some of the gifts for more than 6 months!) So here is Natalie's thank you...
I'm not sure you can actually see the inside & back of the card (so maybe I didn't complete spoil it for those getting a card), but I was able to include Ryan on the back (our family pic with our Ryan bear).
I hope you all had a blessed and merry Christmas. I pray for many blessings in 2012 for everyone reading this.
We love you, Ryan Elizabeth.
(Spoiler alert: If you're on the list to get one of these, sorry for taking away the surprise.) I wanted to get Natalie some Christmas thank you notes to send out to everyone who sent her gifts - you know the fill in the blank kind. Not that she could completely fill them out, but now that's she's starting to write letters I thought it'd be neat to have her help some. I couldn't find any I liked that weren't really expensive so I ended up going with photo cards instead. Besides I have amazing pictures taken by the awesome Jennie Sue I had to share:) We'll add some hand-written notes to go with them and hopefully get them out before next Christmas. (I'm really bad at getting out gifts, thank you notes, etc. on time...still have Christmas gifts waiting to be mailed, and I've had some of the gifts for more than 6 months!) So here is Natalie's thank you...
I'm not sure you can actually see the inside & back of the card (so maybe I didn't complete spoil it for those getting a card), but I was able to include Ryan on the back (our family pic with our Ryan bear).
I hope you all had a blessed and merry Christmas. I pray for many blessings in 2012 for everyone reading this.
We love you, Ryan Elizabeth.
08 December 2011
Not my story to tell...
I wasn't going to write about this because I don't feel like it is my story to tell, but I cannot stop thinking about this little boy and his family today.
Monday night I had gone to bed early (early for me at least). My dad had gotten home from his parade. (He is a Shriners Clown.) I heard my mom call out to him, asking if he heard about the 3 year old little boy who was hit by a car and had died, after the Erwin Christmas parade. My heart ached for his family.
For those who don't know, Erwin and Dunn are small towns where you pretty much know "everybody." We wondered who it was and if we knew them. I checked the news on my phone but didn't see anything about it. I checked it the next morning, still didn't see anything. (I remember thinking, maybe it didn't really happen, at least he didn't die.) But then the story came - on the news and in the paper.
http://www.wral.com/news/local/story/10466692/
It really did happen. Heartbreaking.
This morning, it became even more personal. I took Natalie to preschool. As she was getting out of the car, one of her teachers handed me an envelope and said it was from the Council. I thought that was a little weird - they usually send letters home in their bookbags or even mail them. I had a quick stop to make before going home so I put it in the passenger seat until I got home, wondering what was going on (but also thinking it was probably nothing - maybe just a Christmas letter).
I got home and opened it up. It was a letter to parents informing us of Cullen's death - he was in Natalie's class. They told us the decision was made that the teachers would not tell the kids about Cullen's death, but would allow each child's parents to inform their children of Cullen's death in the manner they found appropriate. I have no problem with that, but then it hit me - I have to have that conversation with Natalie again. She talks about Heaven and Jesus more now than she did just over a year ago, but would she get it this time? She seems to understand Ryan's life & death more than I would expect and definitely as much as a 3 year old can. This is different. Cullen (for Natalie) isn't missing from every aspect of her life. He's missing for 3.5 hours/day, 2 days/week. And we have moved so much, taking Natalie in and out of so many places - daycare, preschool, hourly care, church, dance, gymnastics, swimming, nursery, etc. that it is normal for her friends to come and go. Would her brain categorize Cullen's death in the same way?
I was a mess all morning after reading that letter - it just hit home even more. It was more personal than before. I've seen this little boy when I've been with Natalie at school. I have pictures of him from their class field-trip to the farm. He was Natalie's friend. We had just been to the Dunn Christmas parade a couple days before, and the whole time I thought about how dangerous it seemed, even walking through the church parking lot afterwards. I told my mom Monday night that we could have gone to the Erwin parade (to see my dad). This could have happened to any of us. A tragic reminder that we (and our children) aren't guaranteed tomorrow.
I finally pulled it together enough to go pick Natalie up from school, but then I lost it again as her teacher was putting her in the car. She asked what was wrong. I managed to get some words out, something like, "I know their pain." We started talking about it some. I don't remember exactly what was said. She did tell me that Natalie had noticed that Cullen wasn't there and asked about him. I also remember Natalie asking me why I was crying.
Luckily we live really close to her school so it just takes a minute (literally) to get home. We got home and I was still crying. We came in and cuddled on the couch for a second. I had managed to tell Natalie I wanted to talk to her when we got home. (I still remember us telling her that before we told her about Ryan.) I hugged her and told her how much I loved her. She hugged me and told me the same. She is such a sweetheart, especially when someone is sad - she settles down and will just love on me when I'm crying. I began to ask her about her friends at school. She told me her friends had been at school today. I asked if everyone was there. She said, "Yeah, but Cullen. Cullen wasn't there." I told her that's why I was sad. (In hindsight that could be a little confusing, but I knew I wasn't done with the conversation.) She looked at me and said, "You are sad because Cullen wasn't there today?" We continued the conversation and talked about Heaven and Baby Ryan some. I didn't give her all the details of Cullen's death - didn't think I needed to. She was sad and talked about Cullen and Baby Ryan some. She said she missed Baby Ryan. We talked about how Cullen was probably telling Baby Ryan how much we love her and miss her. Natalie said she wanted them both here. We talked about how they were in Heaven and couldn't come back, that Cullen wouldn't be at school anymore, but that we would see them when we went to Heaven (hopefully a long time from now). Did I really just say that? As Erin said to me, "doesn't this just make you cry, 'come quickly, Lord Jesus!'?" And really, it does!
My heart is broken for Cullen's family, for my daughter having just gone through the death of her sister a year ago and now a friend (and at their age, friends are everything)...all at the age of three. My heart just breaks.
Please pray for Cullen's family. Please pray for the young woman driving the car. Please pray for Cullen's friends, including Natalie. Please pray for the teachers at their school. Please pray for the families of his classmates - for many of them (I imagine), this will be the first time they have this conversation with their children. Please pray for me, that I can guide and teach Natalie during this time and that I can reach out to and support Cullen's family in the ways they need it most, and right now that I can just pull it together to get through the day, and visitation tonight. Just pray for all involved and affected by this terrible tragedy.
And hold your children a little closer tonight. Give them extra hugs and kisses. Take pictures, and videos of them. You never know if it might be the last.
Cullen Reese Parker - you are loved and missed.
We love you, Ryan Elizabeth.
Monday night I had gone to bed early (early for me at least). My dad had gotten home from his parade. (He is a Shriners Clown.) I heard my mom call out to him, asking if he heard about the 3 year old little boy who was hit by a car and had died, after the Erwin Christmas parade. My heart ached for his family.
For those who don't know, Erwin and Dunn are small towns where you pretty much know "everybody." We wondered who it was and if we knew them. I checked the news on my phone but didn't see anything about it. I checked it the next morning, still didn't see anything. (I remember thinking, maybe it didn't really happen, at least he didn't die.) But then the story came - on the news and in the paper.
http://www.wral.com/news/local/story/10466692/
It really did happen. Heartbreaking.
This morning, it became even more personal. I took Natalie to preschool. As she was getting out of the car, one of her teachers handed me an envelope and said it was from the Council. I thought that was a little weird - they usually send letters home in their bookbags or even mail them. I had a quick stop to make before going home so I put it in the passenger seat until I got home, wondering what was going on (but also thinking it was probably nothing - maybe just a Christmas letter).
I got home and opened it up. It was a letter to parents informing us of Cullen's death - he was in Natalie's class. They told us the decision was made that the teachers would not tell the kids about Cullen's death, but would allow each child's parents to inform their children of Cullen's death in the manner they found appropriate. I have no problem with that, but then it hit me - I have to have that conversation with Natalie again. She talks about Heaven and Jesus more now than she did just over a year ago, but would she get it this time? She seems to understand Ryan's life & death more than I would expect and definitely as much as a 3 year old can. This is different. Cullen (for Natalie) isn't missing from every aspect of her life. He's missing for 3.5 hours/day, 2 days/week. And we have moved so much, taking Natalie in and out of so many places - daycare, preschool, hourly care, church, dance, gymnastics, swimming, nursery, etc. that it is normal for her friends to come and go. Would her brain categorize Cullen's death in the same way?
I was a mess all morning after reading that letter - it just hit home even more. It was more personal than before. I've seen this little boy when I've been with Natalie at school. I have pictures of him from their class field-trip to the farm. He was Natalie's friend. We had just been to the Dunn Christmas parade a couple days before, and the whole time I thought about how dangerous it seemed, even walking through the church parking lot afterwards. I told my mom Monday night that we could have gone to the Erwin parade (to see my dad). This could have happened to any of us. A tragic reminder that we (and our children) aren't guaranteed tomorrow.
I finally pulled it together enough to go pick Natalie up from school, but then I lost it again as her teacher was putting her in the car. She asked what was wrong. I managed to get some words out, something like, "I know their pain." We started talking about it some. I don't remember exactly what was said. She did tell me that Natalie had noticed that Cullen wasn't there and asked about him. I also remember Natalie asking me why I was crying.
Luckily we live really close to her school so it just takes a minute (literally) to get home. We got home and I was still crying. We came in and cuddled on the couch for a second. I had managed to tell Natalie I wanted to talk to her when we got home. (I still remember us telling her that before we told her about Ryan.) I hugged her and told her how much I loved her. She hugged me and told me the same. She is such a sweetheart, especially when someone is sad - she settles down and will just love on me when I'm crying. I began to ask her about her friends at school. She told me her friends had been at school today. I asked if everyone was there. She said, "Yeah, but Cullen. Cullen wasn't there." I told her that's why I was sad. (In hindsight that could be a little confusing, but I knew I wasn't done with the conversation.) She looked at me and said, "You are sad because Cullen wasn't there today?" We continued the conversation and talked about Heaven and Baby Ryan some. I didn't give her all the details of Cullen's death - didn't think I needed to. She was sad and talked about Cullen and Baby Ryan some. She said she missed Baby Ryan. We talked about how Cullen was probably telling Baby Ryan how much we love her and miss her. Natalie said she wanted them both here. We talked about how they were in Heaven and couldn't come back, that Cullen wouldn't be at school anymore, but that we would see them when we went to Heaven (hopefully a long time from now). Did I really just say that? As Erin said to me, "doesn't this just make you cry, 'come quickly, Lord Jesus!'?" And really, it does!
My heart is broken for Cullen's family, for my daughter having just gone through the death of her sister a year ago and now a friend (and at their age, friends are everything)...all at the age of three. My heart just breaks.
Please pray for Cullen's family. Please pray for the young woman driving the car. Please pray for Cullen's friends, including Natalie. Please pray for the teachers at their school. Please pray for the families of his classmates - for many of them (I imagine), this will be the first time they have this conversation with their children. Please pray for me, that I can guide and teach Natalie during this time and that I can reach out to and support Cullen's family in the ways they need it most, and right now that I can just pull it together to get through the day, and visitation tonight. Just pray for all involved and affected by this terrible tragedy.
And hold your children a little closer tonight. Give them extra hugs and kisses. Take pictures, and videos of them. You never know if it might be the last.
Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
Romans 12:15
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3
Cullen Reese Parker - you are loved and missed.
We love you, Ryan Elizabeth.
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